Mind Manners
Mind Manners
Turning Our Insecurities Into Superpowers
Confronting the shadows of self-doubt and discrimination has been a personal battle, yet one that I've learned can pave the way to empowerment. My journey, marked by these struggles, serves as the backdrop for an honest conversation about turning insecurities into strengths. This Mental Health Awareness Month, we get real about the roots of our insecurities and how embracing them can be our stepping stone to resilience and self-awareness. Inspired by the likes of David Goggins, we tackle the enduring impact of childhood criticisms and societal pressures, and the transformative potential of facing adversity with courage.
Ever woken up feeling like an imposter, despite your glaring successes? This episode delves into the minds of insecure overachievers, unmasking the internal critics that drive us to question our worth. Walking this path means dismantling the psychological barriers we've erected over years, finding authenticity in our self-expression, and seizing growth opportunities with both hands. We're not just talking about leaning into our strengths; we're talking about confronting fears and fortifying our weaknesses, guided by the remarkable example set by David Goggins.
Our final thoughts revolve around the commitment to mastering what once made us feel small - our insecurities. Honesty, confronting doubts, and extending compassion not only to others but also to ourselves become our guiding principles. The Cherokee tale of the two wolves serves as a poignant metaphor for the daily choices that forge our destiny. I remind listeners that support is available and extend an invitation to continue this vital dialogue within our Mind Manners Podcast Community on Facebook. Embrace this episode as a call to rediscover your potential and turn it into your superpower.
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As a therapist, I've seen firsthand how unchecked and neglected insecurities can disrupt every aspect of our lives, from our relationships to our careers. They can prompt actions that in hindsight might seem unwise and even destructive. Trust me, I've been down that road more times than I can count. No one is immune to this. We all have blind spots. One is immune to this. We all have blind spots. But we don't have to accept this as a fixed state.
Speaker 1:A bit of self-awareness goes a long way. What if I told you that the very things you often view as your greatest weaknesses could actually be your greatest asset, and that it could also be your most profound source of strength? It's a fascinating paradox. True strength isn't always about capitalizing on what we're naturally good at. Instead, it's about facing immense hardships, transforming our perceived weaknesses and cultivating and optimizing our resilience and self-awareness.
Speaker 1:Take David Goggins, for instance. He's this extraordinary individual. He's a major influence and role model in the realm of self-discipline and mental toughness, but like most extraordinary people, he is as human as he can be. His story is all about absolute vulnerability and immense struggle. His journey exemplifies this transformation I am talking about. His story is not just inspiring this transformation I am talking about His story is not just inspiring, but a powerful reminder that our greatest challenges can lead to our most significant growth. Let's triple down on our so-called weaknesses. Let's listen to the signals and signs that they give us and allow that to become the path towards the greatest version of ourselves. Let's go deep on this one in today's session, where we'll talk about how we can harness our insecurities and turn them into our superpowers.
Speaker 2:You're listening to Mind Manners, hosted by licensed psychotherapist Albert Nguyen. Albert helps his clients overcome past trauma, change their mindset and accelerate their personal and professional development. This podcast covers a wide range of mental health and self-development topics, with each episode offering an actionable step towards a better you. If you're on a wellness journey, keep listening.
Speaker 1:Welcome back to Mind Manners, my fellow travelers. As we step into May, let's remember it's Mental Health Awareness Month, a perfect time to really carve out time to refocus on our well-being and deepen our understanding of mental health. It's a time for deeper introspection, learning and extracting from our experiences and others. So, in honor of this month and the topic of insecurity, let me share a personal story that I think can further illustrate today's main takeaway, and hopefully it's a story you may be able to relate or empathize with. So, reflecting back to my childhood, I remember a time when life was an endless adventure. I was that kid who fearlessly raised his hand in class without hesitation, who savored those moments of exploring every nook and cranny of my imagination. I played without worrying or a care in the world, even when my mom would dress me up in ways that defied typical gender norms. I just didn't care. I didn't care because I didn't see any problems with them. But then it happened. Life happened.
Speaker 1:Third grade hit me and with it came a very harsh introduction to discrimination, criticism and judgments from fellow peers, even school teachers and, sadly, some of my family members. It all became consistent enough that I could no longer ignore it. The judgments shined a negative spotlight, pairing it with negative connotations that began to define who I was in various aspects of me. Suddenly, things like my accent, not quite polished in English, became a point of ridicule. Even small details such as my eyes, my hair, my weight attributes I hadn't thought twice about were mocked and tied to stereotypes I didn't even really understand. Accusations and false rumors about my sexuality began to surface, based on nothing more than innocent childhood behaviors. These comments, these cruel jabs, taught me things about myself I hadn't known, things I started to resent and felt ashamed of. This attack of criticism pushed me into silence. I subconsciously developed selective mutism as a means of survival and self-preservation, and I even began retreating from my heritage, my roots and anything that made me stand out. Essentially, I began hiding. I dimmed my own light, withdrew from class participation and shrank as much as possible to avoid any attention. For years, this was my reality. So let's unpack this together.
Speaker 1:As you've heard from my story, insecurity often starts early in life. Childhood experiences, whether it's criticism from peers or authority figures, or even bullying, they all plant seeds of doubt that can grow into pervasive negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts. Insecurity doesn't just appear out of nowhere. It's often the result of a complex interplay of experiences and messages we receive as we grow. For instance, being singled out for certain personal traits or appearance as a child teaches us to scrutinize ourselves through the critical eyes of others, leading to a cycle of self-doubt, reduced self-worth and a fragile self-esteem that is reliant on the approval of others. The scary thing is that criticism and bullying can also be very subtle, that we don't even realize how influential they can become. But these early experiences can profoundly impact how we interact with the world. When we learn to see ourselves as somehow less than due to childhood criticism or bullying, we carry that insecurity into every classroom, every workplace and in every relationship. It influences how we present ourselves, how much we speak up or not speak up, and even how we allow ourselves to be treated by others.
Speaker 1:But insecurity is not just about what happened to us as kids. It also comes from ongoing comparisons to others, experiences of trauma, living in uncertain circumstances and facing discrimination and facing discrimination. Each of these factors can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and fear that we don't measure up to some standard or expectations set by our families, our cultures or our societies. What's critical to understand is that these sources of insecurity are not isolated. They often overlap, creating a complex web that can trap us in a cycle of negative feedback loops, like a little hamster in a wheel, going nowhere but exhausting ourselves. For example, when someone from a marginalized community enters a predominantly exclusive professional environment, they might feel intense pressure to overperform due to societal stereotypes or discrimination, intensifying feelings of insecurity.
Speaker 1:I believe it's even harder today with the ever-growing social media engine machines and how these modern factors can significantly intensify these feelings of insecurity. Over the years I've spoken extensively about how mindless use of technology and screen time can negatively influence our mental health, both in my practice with patients and publicly, particularly for young people and those grappling with self-esteem issues, social media can act as a double-edged sword, and though I like to believe that we all can use social media wisely and mindfully and that most of us are leveraging them in a way that enhances the quality of our lives rather than taking that away from us, but from my sample size of patients over the years I've grown increasingly aware and concerned that social media is becoming more and more of an issue for people's mental well-being. So until we learn better ways to be more mindful and set healthy boundaries, and companies take action to make them less addictive, social media and tech use will continue to be a psychological tug-of-war for us all. So the thing is, social media platforms, while offering a means to connect and share, can easily and often exacerbate the pressures of insecurity.
Speaker 1:Teenagers and, let's be honest, adults too frequently curate their online personas to portray an idealized version of their lives. This isn't just about sharing the highlights, but involves meticulously edited images and posts that showcase a seemingly flawless existence. Our identities can grow so attached to social media life that we can't even truly live mindfully and be present without having to snap a photo or video of our best moments for a post. This relentless comparison and pursuit of perfection can deepen feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. The irony here is that, in our quest for acceptance and validation from others, we often end up presenting a polished, somewhat fake version of ourselves. This version constantly needs to be managed and filtered, leading us further away from our authentic selves and closer to a persona that we believe others will find acceptable. This disconnect between our online personas and our true selves creates a significant gap. The more we invest in maintaining this facade, the more we betray our genuine identities. The struggle for authenticity is real and challenging. It's about embracing not only the aspects of ourselves that we are proud of, but also those we might feel ashamed of or wish to hide.
Speaker 1:Let me tie this segment on social media with a quote from Brene Brown that eloquently captures this dilemma, stating True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are. So, as we proceed, think about your own personal experiences. What moments in your life have contributed to feelings of insecurity? Recognizing these can be your first step toward turning your insecurities into sources of strength. Here is a fundamental truth Our early insecurities don't just fade away. They shape the foundation of how we interact with the world and the paths we take and the decisions we make. Long after we've grown up. These insecurities manifest and evolve with us as we step into adulthood. For many of us, these unresolved feelings can dictate crucial aspects of our lives, from career choices to social interactions.
Speaker 1:Reflecting back on my own journey, I noticed how the insecurities seeded in childhood influenced my initial career trajectory. Initially, the fear of judgment and a desire to avoid social scrutiny led me to select professions that required minimal public engagement, such as computer science. This choice was heavily influenced by my struggle with social anxiety and not knowing who I really was, a direct result of the subtle judgments from family members to the relentless bullying I experienced. I was not raised in an environment that encouraged me to be myself, to think for myself or to even make independent decisions, and rather to just conform and to listen and abide by the rules, even if they steer me further away from my own internal compass and inner voice. Even as I pursued these career paths, the underlying anxiety and feeling of not being good enough persisted, affecting my performance and satisfaction. This brings us to a concept I would like to briefly mention. This concept is called insecure overachievers. Many workplaces, particularly those that are highly competitive, seem almost designed to cultivate this type of personality.
Speaker 1:Insecure overachievers are individuals who, despite their high levels of success, constantly fear that they are not truly capable or deserving. Driven by an internal belief that they might be exposed as a fraud, they push themselves to achieve more and more, yet rarely feel fulfilled by their accomplishments. Many work and even school environments often exacerbate these feelings by setting exceedingly high standards and valuing results over progress and well-being. In such settings, feedback can often be more critical than constructive, reinforcing doubts about our own competence and worth. The pressure to perform can lead to a cycle where the only measure of self-worth comes from good grades and achievements, yet these achievements never seem to suppress the inner voice of insecurity. We find ourselves trapped in a vicious cycle where we're always trying to prove our worth to others. But here's the thing the standards we're trying to meet are often the echoes of past criticisms and expectations we've adopted and internalized as our own over the years. In reality, we're caught up in a game where victory seems forever out of reach because we're measuring ourselves against benchmarks that aren't truly our own. Remember this your self-worth transcends these external validations. Ultimately, the only person you need to prove anything to is yourself. Let's pivot here a bit and let me continue on with my story to connect it to another important point.
Speaker 1:For years, I hid myself away. I tried my best to conform to the majority and what I thought was socially desirable and what I thought would protect me from further emotional pain. I internalized these judgments and criticisms so deeply that they became my own voice and opinion towards myself. Any efforts I attempted later on in life were met with anxiety, specifically social anxiety, and I didn't realize it then. But when the symptoms of social anxiety were triggered, they were merely signs that I was moving in the right direction. The anxiety was just a barrier from my past, and it would intensify as I stepped outside of that comfort zone. To move closer to my authentic self, letting go of the weight of all the negative judgments and beliefs I held onto about myself was a long process. So as I moved into my young adulthood, despite choosing careers and paths that promised to keep me safely within my shell, the dissatisfaction grew intense. My inner voice was starting to shout at me.
Speaker 1:The transformation began with me asking myself deeper questions to shine the spotlight on the hidden beliefs and ways of thinking that I adopted over the years but never once challenged. The thinking clearly impacted how I operated and behaved. So I began challenging the narratives I had been told about myself through taking concrete action. My actions became new evidence and data that proved those old thinking wrong. In particular, for the longest time, friends, teachers and families would tell me that I wasn't good with communication and socializing with others, that I was too introverted, too quiet for roles that required engagement and connecting with others. But as I delved deeper into my own psychology, I realized I didn't have to believe every automatic thought I had, that there were higher levels of thinking that came with awareness and that these automatic, initial intrusive thoughts were gateways to understanding human nature, to understanding myself.
Speaker 1:By the time I reached college and beyond, as I continued my education, my perspective had shifted dramatically. I noticed where my anxiety would rise and what situation made it worse. I began noticing my own compulsion to avoid what was uncomfortable, later realizing most people do this. So my awareness led to action. I recognized that I didn't want to live within a bubble, that a safe and comfortable life means I would subject myself to a psychological prison. So everything I didn't like or wasn't good at or caused anxiety mainly social interaction and public speaking and speaking in general I began embracing public speaking, not as a challenge and speaking in general. I began embracing public speaking not as a challenge but as an opportunity to break down the walls and to liberate my inner self, my real inner voice that was taught to keep quiet and scared and hidden over the years. Each acting class, improv class, speech class, each workshop, each presentation, they all became a step away from the insecure child of my past and a move toward a person who not only found meaning in his work but also brought his whole authentic self to the forefront. I became more connected and comfortable in my own skin. I share this glimpse into my past to highlight an important point Our insecurities, as daunting as they may seem, are not just barriers and limiting beliefs.
Speaker 1:They are signals guiding us towards our true potential. They are our starting point towards true transformation. It is when we confront and harness these insecurities that we can transform them into a source of unimaginable strength. This isn't about gathering more praise or seeking further approval. It is about fundamentally changing how we value ourselves. Our so-called weaknesses and insecurities are something we all should no longer ignore. They are stopping us from living a fulfilling life, and if you keep making decisions to accommodate your fears by avoiding them, your options in life and how you live will become increasingly limited, if not already.
Speaker 1:Our flaws are not just quirks, but they are integral parts of who we are. Acceptance of them is just the beginning. We need to accept them to realize what is happening to us so we can understand them enough to cultivate them in an adaptive way that is useful and optimizing. We all need to do the shadow work and ask ourselves better questions. Why do we believe what we believe? How do we make decisions? What really matters to us? What are we truly capable of achieving on our own terms? What more can we do if we let go of what others think? Who are you? Let's cement this even more using the inspiring example I mentioned at the beginning of the session David Goggins.
Speaker 1:When I first encountered his story through social media, it struck a profound chord with me. What resonated the most wasn't just his physical feats of endurance, it was his vulnerability. I was amazed by how raw and real he was with his story and how he approached his weaknesses and fears. David didn't double down on his strengths, he tripled down on his weaknesses. He tackled the very things he feared, the skills he lacked, the challenges that seemed insurmountable. Rather than avoiding his flaws or shifting his focus to areas where he might have naturally excelled or felt comfortable in, he chose to face them head on. Today, what people admire about David the resilience, the grit, the almost superhuman stamina is exactly what he developed by focusing on what were once perceived as his greatest weaknesses.
Speaker 1:This part of David's journey beautifully illustrates the concept of exposure, response prevention, erp therapy, which is commonly used to treat anxiety disorders like OCD. In ERP, the idea is to confront your fears directly, without the rituals or avoidant behaviors that typically soothe anxiety. By repeatedly facing the source of fear, the person learns to reduce anxiety and build a new response to the fear stimuli. The outcome can often make the once-fear thing become the greatest strength, because the person has spent so much time essentially training themselves to skillfully overcome the fears. Applying this to our own insecurities whether they're about public speaking, asserting ourselves in professional settings or social interactions the principle remains the same Leaning into our discomfort can be transformative. This approach doesn't just alleviate the symptoms of insecurity. It can fundamentally change how we interact with our fears and perceive limitations. David Goggin's story is a powerful reminder that our greatest growth often comes from embracing our weaknesses, not just our strengths. So take a moment to think about areas in your own life where you might be avoiding challenges or discomfort. How can you approach these areas more directly to foster growth and self-understanding? Develop smart goals that are bite-sized around that fear so that you can begin approaching it.
Speaker 1:I want to take a moment to talk a little more on something important. As we are striving to leverage our insecurities and be more authentic, we all have a deep sense of need for acceptance and approval. It's real, so the risk and cost of being authentic can be extremely terrifying. I do empathize and understand the profound fear associated with being our authentic selves. It's a valid fear that resonates both in our real lives and online. When we were kids, freely expressing ourselves sometimes led to swift judgment, teasing and even just innocent jokes and comments which could abruptly silence our voices and dim our spirits.
Speaker 1:And what's more, in today's society, with all these social media platforms offering opportunities for self-expression, the experience of judgments and opinions is significantly magnified. On social media, we're bombarded by countless images that dictate standards of beauty, success, happiness and lifestyle. The online world exposes us to these ideals and differences, continuously, heightening our vulnerability. Sharing anything that truly represents who we are on social media can be daunting. It opens us up to the vast and often critical world of online commentary, where people behind screens deliver harsher judgments than they ever would in face-to-face interactions. This intensified level of scrutiny and gaslighting online culture can break even the people with the highest self-esteem, so the act of posting genuine content feels not just risky but downright terrifying.
Speaker 1:The effects of such exposure are not trivial. They extrapolate into very real dangers. It's no wonder why more and more people are struggling with body dysmorphia and low self-esteem and taking their own lives for granted, thinking we're missing out on the best of life just from a clip or photo of someone else, oneself or others. The digital realm, while offering amazing opportunities for connection, business success and self-expression, also poses significant risks that we must navigate carefully and consciously. The journey towards embracing our authentic selves often involves confronting these constructed identities and the insecurities they mask. It's about learning to accept and integrate all parts of ourselves, transforming our insecurities from hidden shame into sources of strength.
Speaker 1:As we continue this discussion, consider how social media might be influencing your perception of yourself and others. Are you moving towards a more authentic self, or are you caught in the cycle of comparison and pleasing others? Is your worth heavily dependent on how many views and likes you receive? If you're struggling with low self-esteem, then I encourage and empower you to use social media more responsibly, not as a tool for validation or distraction from being present and grateful for life, but as a platform that enhances your quality of life. Now let's ground our discussion with some practical advice. First and foremost, I want to tell you all that you have a choice. Your choice is a conscious decision to make a change.
Speaker 1:I want to emphasize that mastering insecurity isn't an overnight fix. It's a long-term commitment, a daily practice of becoming and being your true self. I've mentioned in many of my other past sessions on how to address problems that take us away from our true selves and to overcome things such as fears, people pleasing and trusting ourselves in the process. So instead of repeating them here, I advise you to go back and listen to those sessions if you're interested in doing a deeper dive. What I will say here is this To start this journey, the first step is to practice authenticity.
Speaker 1:What I mean is practice being honest with yourself and others. Learn how to be honest even when it's scary. Yes, you will make mistakes, but that's part of it. You need to practice being you to really know how to be you. So give yourself that chance. It's about progress, not perfection, and understand this. Doubt will constantly show up and it will make you want to retreat and even surrender. Please don't do that. Avoidance is the worst thing for self-growth and self-improvement. Do the hard thing. Doubt is often just an indicator or symptom of growth. I understand that these tips and methods are abundant out there, and it can be overwhelming. That's why the key takeaway I want to impart is not just a list of strategies, but the encouragement to simply begin. Start where you are, use what you have and do what you can. The most critical step is the first one, initiating the practice of self-discovery and consistent self-improvement. And, with that said, working on ourselves is already challenging and hard. So give yourself some grace.
Speaker 1:I know there's a lot of emphasis on concepts like self-love and self-compassion nowadays, but these terms can sometimes feel muddled or overcomplicated. In my experience, the most effective way to cultivate these qualities isn't just through attempting to love yourself in isolation. Instead, it's about embodying love and compassion through your actions towards other people, other living things, moments and even nature. When you extend love and compassion to those around you, you're not just acting outwardly, you're nurturing these qualities within yourself. This approach allows you to internalize and genuinely embody these traits. Being of service can profoundly illustrate your inherent value, teaching you self-compassion and self-love more naturally and deeply than any internal affirmation could. So, rather than merely seeking love and compassion, aim to live it and ultimately be love. Through this love, and self-acceptance will naturally follow. Let us now wrap up today's conversation with a final statement.
Speaker 1:Your insecurities often echo the needs and fears of your inner child. Rather than dismissing these feelings or viewing them as weaknesses, I urge you to embrace them, accept your limitations, celebrate them even, because remember this journey is about progress, not perfection. Our insecurities are powerful drivers of intrinsic motivation, igniting our passions, because at our core, we all have an innate need to feel worthy. Most of us grapple with feelings of not being good enough, but here's the empowering truth Our insecurities can be our superpowers, but only if we learn to accept them for what they are, before we can begin harnessing them as sources of power. The uniqueness that makes each of us special is often hidden, overshadowed by what we believe are our strengths. But when you stop caring about others' opinions, when you stop pretending and hiding, you allow yourself to be genuinely present in the moment with others. It's time to embrace who you are, respect yourself and realize that the more you know yourself, the less you'll care about others' opinions. Remember people who have transformed their lives. All started by facing their fears head on. They chose to confront and grow through their struggles, turning their fears into their greatest strengths. Ultimately, you know, what we desire most lies just beyond our fears. Fear is not just an obstacle, it's an opportunity, an unimagined one, that summons us to cross over, to realize our true potential.
Speaker 1:And I will end it here with a final short story that is commonly attributed to the Cherokee tribe. I've shared this before and I like this one because I think it hits home for some of us the story of the two wolves. In this story, an elder Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life. He said to his grandson A fight is going on inside me, a fight between two wolves. The dark one is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. Greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. He continued the light wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The same fight is going on inside you and inside of every other person on the face of this earth. The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asks Grandfather, which wolf will win? The old Cherokee smiled and simply said, the one you feed.
Speaker 1:Every day, we make choices, important choices that could be overlooked as being trivial, but these choices define us. That could be overlooked as being trivial, but these choices define us. They are a statement of who we choose to be in this life and what impact we will have on the world around us. So what are you cultivating? Who or what are you feeding inside you? The choice is yours.
Speaker 1:As we close out today's session, I want to remind everyone that, while the insights and stories shared here are meant to inspire and educate, they do not replace professional help. If you're struggling and need support, I encourage you to seek help from a qualified professional. Please be sure to like, review and share this podcast, engage with the content and let's spread the word that our insecurities, once understood and embraced, can indeed become our superpowers. You can find us on various platforms. Follow us on our social media channels. Links to these profiles can be found in the episode description. Thank you for tuning in and until next time, keep exploring, keep growing and remember to step beyond your fears. They just might lead you to your greatest opportunities.
Speaker 2:Thanks for tuning in to Mind Manners with Albert Nguyen. We hope you found value in this episode. If you'd like to work with Albert one-on-one, visit OptiMindCounselingcom to learn more about his private practice. Looking to join a community of like-minded individuals, search Mind Manners Podcast Community on Facebook and join our group to connect with others on their wellness journeys. Finally, if you haven't already done so, please write us a five-star review on Apple Podcast and let us know you're enjoying the show.
