Mind Manners
Mind Manners
12 Lessons from Therapy
Journey through the insights of a decade-long therapy practice, where we talk about self-acceptance, the power of being truly heard, and the art of creating a safe space for your emotions. In this session, we go beyond the surface-level and into the heart of personal growth and healing, revealing how protective mechanisms can evolve into barriers and how the simple act of being acknowledged can be transformative.
We'll talk about how aligning your actions with your core self can lead to fulfillment and the unexpected ways in which mindfulness can break cycles of mindlessness. I'll share the profound implications of addressing personal trauma, not just for individual well-being, but for societal change, emphasizing the ripple effect of healing on the fabric of our communities. By adjusting our boundaries, refocusing our motivation, and reevaluating our life's perspective, we'll explore how each step on this path is an opportunity for forgiveness and a testament to our resilience as humans. Join us for a conversation that's as much about rediscovering the self as it is about forging the path to a more mindful and connected society.
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Hello and welcome back to Mind Manners. This is Albert, and today I'm taking a bit of a personal turn. After more than a decade of practicing therapy and being a therapist, I've learned a thing or two, not just about psychology, but about the essence of what makes us truly human, things that they don't teach you in school. So grab your coffee, settle in and let's dive into a decade of discoveries about ourselves.
Speaker 2:You're listening to Mind Manners, hosted by licensed psychotherapist Albert Nguyen. Albert helps his clients overcome past trauma, change their mindset and accelerate their personal and professional development. This podcast covers a wide range of mental health and self-development topics, with each episode offering an actionable step towards a better you. If you're on a wellness journey, keep listening.
Speaker 1:As I reflect on my work in therapy, I realize how much each patient has enriched my understanding of human psychology. I'm often overwhelmed with gratitude for the privilege and trust they place in me. Each person, no matter their age, adds invaluable insights to my knowledge base, insights that not only help them but also help others along my journey of providing therapy. I could easily fill a book with everything I've learned, and one day I will. Saying that I've seen over a thousand individuals and families throughout my practice feels like an understatement. It feels much more significant. I've had the honor of working intimately with people from all walks of life, people you and I would most likely never meet in our regular lives from children and teenagers to adults, from those who are homeless to those incarcerated for violent crimes, and even CEOs and doctors incarcerated for violent crimes and even CEOs and doctors. Each person has contributed to my ever-growing understanding of human psychology. I like to believe that I've been given a large sample size, allowing me to create an evolving avatar that represents the broad spectrum of human psychology. It's a challenging task, but today I want to focus on distilling this experience into 12 critical lessons. These are insights that I believe can offer everyone a deeper understanding of themselves and others. So let's dive into these 12 lessons that a decade of therapy has taught me about being human. Each of these lessons reflects a core truth that I've come to understand deeply through my experiences and observations in the therapy room, and they help guide my travels in my work with others. So let me take you into the private quarters of my mind as a therapist. The first lesson is about understanding the longevity of our emotions and behaviors beyond the situations that initially triggered them. I've observed how often people remain depressed or anxious long after a particular event has passed. It's fascinating, yet also quite revealing. These emotions and the behaviors they inspire carry over into new situations, continuously affecting lives. Here is something I find incredibly important to recognize All of our behaviors, no matter how destructive or unhelpful they might seem, originally served a purpose. They were meant to support us, even the ones you feel ashamed of or frustrated by At some point. These behaviors were likely an appropriate response. They were probably a very clever and strategic way of taking care of yourself when you couldn't meet your needs in other, more constructive and healthy ways. The challenge I often see is that many of us carry these same behaviors well into the future, years after, whatever triggered it, and most of the time it's brought to your attention because it no longer is serving you anymore and rather it's causing current issues. That's okay. This acknowledgement is the first step In therapy. We work to help identify these patterns and cultivate new choices, new ways of thinking and add any resources that may be useful. The goal is to manage your experiences differently and more effectively now that the original situations have changed or no longer apply. This leads me to my next lesson.
Speaker 1:It's about what people truly seek from therapy, beyond just solutions. Most people come to therapy thinking they want solutions to their problems. It's a natural expectation, after all, when we feel pain or discomfort, it's a natural expectation. After all, when we feel pain or discomfort, our instinct is to find a way to stop it. But through my years of experience, I've seen that what most people think they want versus what they really need is something quite different. Solutions are often clear and simple, but that's not what most people need.
Speaker 1:What many need is the experience of being seen and heard, the emotional release of letting go by, being courageously and relentlessly transparent, of talking openly, of being genuinely listened to. It's about the emotional freedom that comes from being able to voice thoughts and feelings that are private, often painful and sometimes even shameful. This act of expressing oneself, of unburdening one's deepest fears and secrets, can itself be incredibly healing. It's this emotional experience, the ability to free a very private, often hidden emotional part of themselves that brings the most relief and transformation. This isn't just about finding quick fixes. It's about creating a space where individuals feel safe enough to be real in order to explore the depths of their emotions and begin the process of healing. This lesson highlights the therapeutic power of simply being present with someone, without judgment or the rush to fix things.
Speaker 1:As therapists, my role is hardly ever to provide answers, but rather to facilitate an environment where people can find their own path to healing through expression and acceptance. The impact of having a safe space to express oneself is profound, and it sets the stage for deeper work in therapy. With that said, having discussed the healing power of expression, this naturally leads me to reflect on another fundamental but often misunderstood aspect of our psychological journey self-acceptance. This next lesson is close to my heart and vital for anyone on a path of personal growth. As a therapist, I strive to create a psychologically safe space for you to truly be you and accept you as you are so that we can do the deep work needed. But in reality, I'm really only setting the example for you to move towards self-acceptance and feel safe within yourself to integrate all parts of you into a complete whole.
Speaker 1:Self-acceptance is a term that is so often tossed around in self-help books and motivational speeches that it might seem a bit cliche. Yet it's a core concept that many of us struggle with deeply. Throughout my years of practice, I've seen countless individuals betray themselves in the pursuit of external achievements, chasing careers, grades and social acceptance, all while moving further away from their true selves. We're not taught to know more about ourselves and to reflect on what we really care about or want, and to think and plan for that version of life. Many of my patients come in not really knowing what they want. It's not because they haven't thought about it. It's because they've never given themselves the space to truly listen to their own thoughts, to feel deeply or to get in touch with who they are.
Speaker 1:We live in a society that doesn't always cultivate our unique qualities. Instead, we're often pushed toward a generic version of success that might not align with our personal values or desires and what are seen as flaws in one person in place might be beautiful and amazing in another. It's often a revelation the idea that you don't need to undergo a personality transplant to find contentment, fulfillment and love, because who you are right now is enough. Most of us just have been deterred from accessing our ability to actualize and make use and optimize our natural selves because we've been playing someone else's game, and not only that, we've adopted messages and ways of thinking along the way that isn't even helping us. Self-acceptance isn't about perfection or stopping growth. It's about recognizing our intrinsic worth and learning to belong to ourselves so that we can actually grow and cultivate that internal relationship. It's about seeing that the real game is inward and understanding that contentment comes from embracing and deepening that relationship with who we are at our core, not who we think we should be.
Speaker 1:Now that we've discussed the significance of self-acceptance, let's shift our focus to a topic that naturally extends from understanding ourselves better, our values. This next lesson revolves around the importance of knowing and aligning with what we truly value in life. Over the years as a therapist, I've noticed a common disconnect in many people's lives a gap between what they say they value and what their actions reflect. It's surprisingly common to see this incongruence, and it can lead to significant dissatisfaction and conflict, both internally and in relationships. From a psychological standpoint, values are the principles that guide our behavior. They are the benchmarks by which we measure our actions.
Speaker 1:According to psychological research, particularly in the field of cognitive behavioral therapy, clarifying your values is a critical process that helps you determine what is truly important to you, which, in turn, can influence your goals, actions and decisions. When you align your actions with your values, you will experience higher levels of satisfaction and well-being. This isn't just about feeling good. It's about the coherence between your actions and your deeper self, which significantly affects your psychological health. But how do we begin this process of value clarification? It starts with self-reflection and self-awareness, going beyond surface-level desires and getting to the heart of what makes you feel fulfilled and purposeful. This might involve reassessing your goals, questioning your current life choices or simply taking time to reflect on what feelings and activities give you a sense of true satisfaction. Here's an example. A lot of my patients have similar goals that might resonate with you. They think they value success in a high-powered job because someone or somewhere in society says it's important. But upon deeper reflection, you might realize that what you really value is connection with your family, making a positive impact, or creativity in your work. Recognizing this can shift how you prioritize your time and energy, leading to more meaningful and satisfying life choices.
Speaker 1:Let's pivot to a concept that's essential for actualizing those values in our day-to-day lives Mindfulness. Most of us suffer from mindlessness. We're often not here right now. In our present moments, we're in the past or the future. So here's the thing. I have said this many times before and I will say it again here. If I could choose just one skill for everyone to practice that will improve their mental health, it's mindfulness. Not meditation, but mindfulness. There is power in intentionally creating more mindful moments and breaking the cycle of mindlessness.
Speaker 1:Mindfulness might seem like a buzzword these days, but its psychological benefits are well documented. It's about being present in the moment, truly engaged with what's happening right now, rather than being caught up in thoughts of the past or future. In session, I often act as people's awareness. I see things for them, I am present for them and I bring whatever I observe, what they feel and think, into the here and now. I do this to encourage them to develop this in themselves the ability to check themselves. I remember a session where I noticed my patient just staring out the window, fidgeting and making small talk about the weather. It was one of those moments where they felt a bit lost. I noticed it and asked a simple yet profound question that most people often overlook what's happening for you right now? At first, most people automatically begin talking about events of the week or future plans, but I often try to redirect them to come back to the room with me emphasizing how are you right now, in this moment, what's happening for you?
Speaker 1:This practice of checking in with ourselves is incredibly valuable. It helps break the cycle of mindlessness, where we operate on autopilot, disconnected from our feelings and surroundings. By cultivating moments of mindfulness, we start to notice the subtle yet significant aspects of our current experiences, which can lead to greater clarity, reduced anxiety and a deeper connection to ourselves and the world around us. It starts with simple practices, perhaps setting reminders or pairing mindful moments with things we typically already do on a daily basis, like eating or drinking coffee, just to pause a few times a day to breathe deeply and observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment. Over time, these mindful moments can become a natural part of our routine, enhancing our overall mental health and well-being. Mindfulness not only enriches our personal experiences, but also enhances our interactions with others by making us more attentive and empathetic. This takes us into my next lesson.
Speaker 1:I think working on ourselves and improving who we are is not just a privilege, but should be mandatory and a personal responsibility, because we are all part of a bigger whole. What we do is not just about ourselves. Doing your own personal work is not only a privilege, but also an act of ethical and moral obligation and, not to mention, it's an act of social justice and an investment in the world around us. Throughout my practice in therapy, a recurring sentiment among patients is a sense of guilt for seeking therapy. Some feel that their problems are trivial compared to the larger, more visible tragedies in the world. They often ask who am I to complain when my life is so comfortable? In many ways, this brings us to a critical realization Suffering and privilege are not mutually exclusive.
Speaker 1:Yes, those of us who can access therapy are privileged in many ways compared to much of the world. We don't have to worry about starving, finding clean water or a safe shelter or have bombs falling overhead. Most of us can provide basic necessities for our families. These are undeniable privileges. But here's a pivotal point being privileged does not diminish our own suffering or the validity of our emotional experiences. In fact, I would argue that our privilege gives us not just the opportunity, but the obligation to do our own personal work. By healing our traumas and maladaptive behaviors, we are in a stronger position to contribute positively to our immediate surroundings compassionate and psychologically sound ways, the more we can positively influence others and improve broader social circumstances. From this perspective, engaging in personal development and therapy is indeed a privilege, but it is also a moral responsibility and profound act of social justice and an investment in making the world a better place. So understand this you are more than just you. You are connected to a network of living things where you have the power to affect change. By healing ourselves, we can stop the transmission of intergenerational traumas, empower our communities and even impact larger societal issues. It's about recognizing our capacity for both good and evil and choosing to cultivate the good through self-awareness and healing, and I want us all to be aware of that. Understanding the ripple effects of our personal healing journey helps frame our next discussion. As we continue to explore the impacts of our inner work, let's now turn to a critical aspect of psychological health that profoundly affects many, and that's trauma.
Speaker 1:I've been working with trauma throughout my personal life and through my work with patients. One key insight about the nature of trauma is that it's not necessarily the traumatic events themselves that are most damaging. Rather, it's what happens afterward. It's the struggle of processing and integrating these traumatic experiences that can lead to prolonged suffering and negative outcomes. When an individual, whether adult or child, is properly supported through their trauma, given the space to feel their feelings, make meaning of their experiences and process them both psychologically and physiologically, they can move forward in constructive and adaptive ways. This support is crucial for healing. However, this isn't always the case, so when this support of processing and integration don't happen, that's when we often see the long-lasting negative impacts of trauma. Without these processes, individuals might struggle with unresolved emotional and physiological responses that can affect their functioning and quality of life. Effective trauma work and healing involves several key components Therapeutic support, safe environments for expression and strategies for emotional regulation. These elements help individuals not only confront and manage their trauma, but also integrate these experiences into their lives without being overwhelmed by them.
Speaker 1:Our trauma does not have to be a life sentence, and working on our healing is necessary, because how we do one thing is often the way we do many things, so if you're still engaging in trauma responses and patterns, it might be impacting a large part of your life. This is an observation that might seem simple on the surface, but reveals deep truths about ourselves. So let's talk about lesson number eight. A fascinating aspect of human behavior that I've observed in therapy is the principle that the way we do one thing is often the way we do many things. This idea suggests that our daily habits and choices how we eat, spend money or even approach exercise can reveal larger patterns in how we see and move through the world. By examining how we manage routine activities, we can uncover significant clues about how we approach life in general.
Speaker 1:Consider how you manage time, for example. Someone who is always rushing, even when there's no need, might be expressing a broader pattern of impatience or a fear of stillness and reflection. Or think about how you handle tasks like cleaning your home. Do you tackle it methodically or do you clean in frantic bursts? This might mirror how you manage stress and projects at work, either with steady attention or sporadic bursts of energy. Even your social media usage can be telling. Do you carefully curate what you share, or are you spontaneous and open? This behavior could reflect how you manage personal boundaries and privacy in the broader context of your life.
Speaker 1:Identifying these patterns isn't just an exercise in introspection. It has practical implications. By understanding the why behind our daily choices, we can start to align our actions more closely with our true values and goals. This awareness allows us to modify behaviors that might be holding us back from a more balanced and fulfilling life. For example, if you recognize a pattern of over-committing yourself socially to avoid downtime, you might start to carve out intentional quiet periods in your schedule, which could improve your overall well-being and reduce stress. Building on our understanding of behavioral patterns and their insights into our lives, let's connect this to our earlier discussion on trauma.
Speaker 1:Our next lesson explores a crucial element in both healing from trauma and living a well-rounded life setting boundaries. This is often talked about, but most of us are not good at practicing it. Boundaries are like the protective unseen force fields of our lives. They encompass the physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and even financial aspects of our existence. They are dynamic, spiritual and even financial aspects of our existence. They are dynamic, adapting moment to moment, situation to situation and person to person. Properly set and maintain boundaries keep us safe, whole and contribute to our physical and psychological health. The more aware we are with what's important to us and who we are at the core, the more easily we can assert our boundaries. I often tell my patients that being assertive and setting boundaries are one in the same, and it's about learning how to teach ourselves and others how to respect who we are.
Speaker 1:In the context of trauma, boundaries take on an even more significant role. For those who have experienced trauma, establishing and asserting boundaries can be a crucial step in the healing process. It helps in creating a safe space where one can process and integrate traumatic experiences without feeling overwhelmed or re-traumatized. Learning what your individual boundaries are and how to assert them isn't just about protecting yourself. It's about building a foundation for a healthy, well-lived life. It empowers you to control your interactions and the influence others have on your mental and emotional well-being. So how can we effectively establish these boundaries? You guessed it it starts with self-awareness. It's about recognizing your limits in various areas of your life. Then it's about clearly communicating these boundaries to others, ensuring they understand and respect your needs. This might involve saying no more often, choosing to step back in certain relationships or prioritizing self-care. This leads me to a very important lesson.
Speaker 1:That is often a primary complaint I hear, and honestly, I'm tired of hearing it. It's a topic surrounded by misconceptions. It's a common catchphrase in therapy and everyday conversations. I hear people say they lack motivation, but here's a perspective shift I'd like to offer. Motivation doesn't just stop, it's always present. The real issue isn't the absence of motivation, but rather its direction.
Speaker 1:Many of us struggle not with motivation itself, but with misdirected motivation. This means our energy and drive are often channeled towards habits or goals that aren't actually aligned with what we truly want. Instead of helping us move forward, our motivation gets caught up in cycles of compulsive behaviors and impulses. Think about it how often have you found yourself engaging in mindless activities that kills time, or pursuing something only to realize it doesn't truly resonate with your deeper desires? This is what I mean when I say we give up our sovereignty every day. When I say we give up our sovereignty every day, we give up our power to govern ourselves effectively. We let misaligned goals dictate our actions rather than steering our motivation towards meaningful and fulfilling pursuits. It's not about finding motivation. It's about redirecting it. To deepen our understanding of motivation and how we can redirect it.
Speaker 1:Let's consider a powerful analogy. The mind is like a reflex muscle it responds and reacts. It's selective and acts like a spotlight. This spotlight illuminates certain aspects of our experiences while leaving others in the dark, and, essentially, wherever our mind focuses, our body follows. This interconnection shows just how pivotal our mental focus is to directing our motivation. When our mind's spotlight is aimed at compulsive behaviors or misaligned goals, our energy and actions follow suit, often betraying us and leading us away from our true values and goals. However, when we recalibrate where our mental spotlight shines, focusing on what truly matters to us, we align our motivation with our deeper values and aspirations. This understanding helps us see the importance of being deliberate about where we allow our mental focus to dwell. It's about consciously choosing to spotlight the activities and goals that resonate with our true selves. By doing so, we ensure that our motivation is not misdirected, but is a powerful force driving us toward true fulfillment and success. Start by asking yourself what am I consistently putting effort into? Does this reflect what I genuinely value and how I want to show up in the world? If not, it's time to reconsider where your energy is going as we become adept at controlling the spotlight of our mind, we harness the true power of motivation. Redirecting motivation requires mindful and conscious effort. It involves waking up out of autopilot and being clear about our values and aligning it with our goals and breaking them down into realistic daily practices. It also means being mindful of our impulses and compulsions and recognizing when they're steering us off course Up.
Speaker 1:Next, let's talk about perspective, specifically how we interpret and give meaning to our experiences, because this really matters. A profound realization in my years as a therapist is that we are fundamentally meaning-making machines. Every day, we encounter countless stimuli and situations that in themselves, are neutral. It's we who define, construct and narrate these events into the stories that make up our lives. Think about it there are endless perspectives to what we think we know. Nothing is absolute. Every event, every interaction doesn't come with built-in meaning. We assign those meanings based on our past experiences, our values and our expectations.
Speaker 1:This brings us to a critical insight. There is never just one interpretation of any situation. It's not the events themselves that determine what we feel. It's how we view them. Our interpretations shape our emotions and reactions, coloring our world in distinct tones that are uniquely our own. Understanding that we are meaning makers empowers us to question the stories we tell ourselves. Are they serving us well? Are they limiting our growth or happiness? By recognizing that we can choose our interpretations, we open up a space for more adaptive and empowering narratives by embracing our role as narrators of our own lives. Understand that we can't change the past and what happened to us, but we can rewrite the stories we tell ourselves and how we tell it, and recognizing that some of these stories no longer serve us, and perhaps only then can we foster a richer, more nuanced view of the world. As we learn to interpret our experience in the present with more flexibility and adaptability, we'll find that our capacity for joy, resilience and connection grows.
Speaker 1:Let's pause for a moment. I know that was a lot. As we near the end of today's session, I want to take a moment to thank all of you who've joined me on this journey through some of the profound lessons learned over a decade of therapy. For our final discussion today, I want to introduce a topic that we'll explore more deeply in future sessions, a topic that's both challenging and often misunderstood Forgiveness.
Speaker 1:Forgiveness is a powerful concept in psychological healing and personal growth, yet it is also one of the hardest to grasp fully. Many people struggle with the idea that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean you must continue to have them in your life. I believe that forgiveness is a choice, not an obligation. You don't have to forgive anyone. It's something that should come from a place of personal healing, not coercion. And, importantly, forgiving someone who has hurt you doesn't mean you have to open the door to them again. You can choose forgiveness for your own peace and still choose to keep that person out of your life. This approach to forgiveness isn't about giving someone else a free pass. It's about freeing yourself from the burden of ongoing resentment and pain. You can forgive and you can choose what's best for your continued well-being. And there we have it. As we close today's journey through these 12 vital lessons, I want to leave you with a thought that what we've explored together is not a final statement, but rather part of an ongoing conversation. Insight and wisdom evolve as we do. They adapt as we face new challenges and embrace new joys in life. These lessons are snippets of a living document that grows and changes with us.
Speaker 1:In our time together, we've seen that therapy is more than just theory-based or solution-focused. It's fundamentally relational. The heart of therapy lies in the relationship between therapist and patient, a dynamic partnership where both parties are fellow travelers on the complex journey of life. It's about removing obstacles, not fixing problems, allowing for natural growth and self-actualization. Therapy is a collaborative and non-hierarchical alliance. It's essential to maintain professional boundaries, yet it's equally important to foster a connection where both therapist and patient learn and grow.
Speaker 1:Therapy is about confronting our personal truths and hard topics like death, isolation and the quest for meaning and freedom. It's a space where spontaneity and creativity thrive, providing personalized care that evolves over time to meet each individual's unique needs. The essence of effective therapy lies in our ability to engage with each other in the here and now, creating dynamics that are not only healing within the therapy room but also empowering outside of it. Thank you for joining me today, and I hope you carry these reflections into your own life, enriching your journey towards a deeper understanding of yourself and those around you. Until next time, keep exploring, keep questioning and, most importantly, keep growing. Remember we are all in this together.
Speaker 2:Thanks for tuning in to Mind Manners with Albert Nguyen. We hope you found value in this episode. If you'd like to work with Albert one-on-one, visit OptiMindCounselingcom to learn more about his private practice. Looking to join a community of like-minded individuals, search Mind Manners Podcast Community on Facebook and join our group to connect with others on their wellness journeys. Finally, if you haven't already done so, please write us a five-star review on Apple Podcast and let us know you're enjoying the show.
